1) My dad and I helped write a resume for a man whose previous job title was “Chicken Killer”.
2) When I was 14, I used to doodle satirical religious cartoons and scribble ideas for IRC bot games instead of “Kristy + Whoever 4EVAH!”
3) The night my future husband met me, I entered the house being melodramatic about a pizza box I’d run over. I requested a funeral. (I like for people to get the right idea about me when we first meet.)
4) In two separate incidents, I accidentally dyed my hair green and purple. I don’t learn my lesson easily.
5) I convinced an 18-year-old boy that my sister and I were fraternal twins. I was born at 11:59 PM the night of the cut-off to start Kindergarten. My sister was born at 12:02 AM the next day. That’s why she was a grade below me.
6) When I was 8, I convinced my sister and cousin I’d been blinded by looking at the solar eclipse. They spent the afternoon leading me around the house and getting stuff for me. (To this day, I’m grateful to my mom for not outing me.)
7) I was smoking (a cigarette — I don’t tend to spontaneously combust, but that would be pretty strange) outside my apartment in the middle of the night when some guy came around the corner.
He stopped to ask, “Hey, do you have a boyfriend?”
“Yeah? Where is he?”
“Chopped up in my trunk, but there’s still some room in there.”
(I used to irritate some of my girl friends with that kind of attitude…)